No Regrets
by Darkest Angel Poe
Summary: Everyone wonders what is inside Shinji's head. Well when he grows a backbone everything breaks loose.


_ No Regrets _

Misato wants an explanation and Rei doesn't even flinch. They all look at me like I'm some monster. Maybe I am, but that son of a bitch made me that way. I don't care if they are disgusted with my last gesture toward my father. They can kiss my ass, he didn't deserve to even see me before he died. But he _ did _ deserve every bit of the pain I saw register in his dimmed eyes as he gasped for air and I said, "Fuck you!" 

  


_TWO DAYS EARLIER_

"Shinji, he is going to die. Don't you even want to see him again? He doesn't have to see you." 

"No, Misato. I want nothing to do with him. He no longer has power over me at NERV and I won't give him any by going to see him," I reply flatly. 

"They haven't revoked his position yet." 

"But they will. I'll make sure they do." 

"Shinji, he's asking for you," Misato pleads. 

"Let the bastard BEG! I'm not his bitch, I won't respond to his damn whistle." 

"Shinji, I..." 

"MISATO, just shut up," I growl menacingly as I slam my door in her face. She doesn't get it, she can't be THAT dense. She just doesn't understand..no one does. 

  


PRESENT DAY

"Shinji, I don't understand!" 

"No Misato, you don't," I say dully. I walk around his hollow frame reassuring myself that he can't hurt me anymore. Isn't it marvelous how my hate dissipated with his life. Now he and are both empty. He of life, me of feeling. I spent my last reserve of it on him, and Misato will never understand that. 

"Shinji, what was that," questions a surprisingly sober Misato. 

"First child is just desserts. Second child is come-upins." 

"Wha?" 

"That was his just desserts." 

  


_THE DAY BEFORE_

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT? When are you going to understand. I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM. I don't give a flying fuck what happens to his sorry ass." 

"How can you act like you don't care?" 

"You don't get it, I'm not acting." 

"I know he wasn't the greatest but..." 

"But what Misato? 'But he had a lot on his mind for the last 17 years? But there is a lot of stress at his job? But the other Children needed his attention more than I did?' Sorry, there aren't ANY buts that remotely offer an explanation. He didn't even try," I spat as Misato turned in disgust. 

"So enlighten me Great_ Shinji," Misato raged back at me as I stormed down the hall. Maybe I should _enlighten_ her. If only she knew why I hate him, then maybe she would leave me the hell alone about visiting him. _

  


PRESENT DAY

"Why are you so confused Misato? You knew I didn't want to come here." 

"But you came on your own. I thought you had changed your mind. I thought you had seen the light." 

"Misato, I am not the one who needs to "see" the light. Misato, do you still want to be enlightened?" 

"Shinji, I want to understand why you... you said that." 

"Are you sure you are ready to deal with this?" 

"Shinji, you can't possibly say anything that I would be less ready for than what you just did." 

"Fine. I will tell you. I said that to make sure his last memory was not of victory, but defeat. He has had power over me since I was very small and I never had the guts to go against him. He thought if he asked enough and acted pitiful enough that I would come to comfort him and to satisfy some amount of remorse I might have had for the way it has been. I had to let him know that I didn't come for him, or for some pathetic heartfelt ending. I came so he knew what it was like to be treated like shit. To be pushed aside, to be a pawn. He has never been proud of me, or for that matter was he ever has he ever acknowledged me as worthwhile. He just used me as a pawn in his game with man kind. Well, he needed to know I STOPPED PLAYING. He thought that I would always be weak and I would never revolt, BULL SHIT! I AM NO ONE'S DAMN TOY. I WILL NOT BE PLAYED! Years of trying to be good enough to please him, and he just treated me like another minion to be moved into the most strategic position without even caring what I had to lose to move. He made me kill Karou. He made me hide behind the mask of calm just to keep face when he KNEW all along I was this berserk, angry, unhappy, damned soul. He knew and didn't give a damn. He didn't even care until he knew he wouldn't have to act like he did for long. The prick didn't even try until he was dying. Well it is too damn late. TOO DAMN LATE. All I have to say for your effort _ Daddy_ is FUCK YOU!"   
"I lack all feeling because of you. Now, before I have a son that I hurt and ultimately destroy..." 

BANG!


End file.
